I can’t seem to shake the feeling…
….that I’ve been here before. That this Life, my Life, isn’t my first experience on this planet. Ever since I was a child, this nagging suspicion has been in the back of my mind, whispering to my heart that I’ve seen and done all this before, but that I missed something along the way. What that something is…
I’m not entirely sure.
It’s not all the hate in the world. I don’t miss that at all. It’s not the violence against other humans, because they believe in the “wrong” god, or because their skin is the “wrong”‘color, or because they came here from the “wrong” country. It’s not that.
It’s not the guilt and the shame one feels from family. It’s not the wrenching pain of being stabbed in the front by the people who swore to love you no matter what.
It’s not the struggle with identity, because who you are doesn’t fit with who everyone around you wants to be.
It’s not the months or years of hiding the real you from the world, because to reveal yourself is to risk being cut down again and again by the ones who say they “just want what’s best for you”.
If it’s not all that, then what the hell have I been missing all this time?
I lose sleep over the question. No answers seem to satisfy. In the morning I wake, exhausted physically and emotionally. I’d rather stay in bed, but something pushes me out the door. I get into my car and drive to my sangha to practice. I sit before Buddha and Padmasambava and Tara, and look up at their smiling faces. Maybe they are what I’ve been missing. I close my eyes and ask for their help. I ask for the answer to the question. They just smile back and say, “No, friend, no…
…it’s not us. It’s you. You are the answer
To your question.
You are the very thing you’ve been missing all along. The real you.
Not the angry you. Not the bitter you. Not the you who
Hides for fear of being rejected yet again.
But the you who is brave, and compassionate, and kind.
And you don’t need to look far and wide for that man anymore.
All you have to do is look inside.”